Friday, July 15, 2011

my heart runs around with blonde hair and blue eyes

one of the hardest things i've ever had to deal with is co-parenting a child. 
i'm back in oregon after a very short 24 hour stay in CA to attend mediation for my lil honey bee.

i would never wish co-parenting on another. sharing something you love with all of what you are and then some is very heart breaking. it seems no amount of praying or being hopeful can prepare you for the way things can turn out between the adult parties involved. 
it seems that when pain and hurting are involved people can say and do things that will burn holes in you.
it seems that in the moment of hurting logical thinking goes out the window.

as far as mediation goes, things went well. we just nailed down further detailed arrangements to our already set plan. only leaving 3 things we were unable to agree on; summer time, school, and immunizations.
while picking battles is a necessity during co-parenting, schooling and not vaxing are two battles i feel very strongly about.

another difficult thing about parenting a child with someone that you have a failed relationship with is when you can not agree on things a total stranger gets to step in and make decisions based off their personal belief in what's best for your child. so now not only are you co-parenting with the other parent but also with a judge.

we have court july 28th and all i can do is leave it up to God.
i have faith, i really do. i mean if i step back from my life and really take in everything i've been blessed with i have full faith God knows best. one thing i do know for sure, when i was trying to take full reigns on my life i sure did muck up the waters, but now even while the calming of the waters is painful i know Jesus is right there with me. 

in my 24 hours in CA i was called a few names that do not fit the bill, but yet they do fit the bill for someone who is hurting inside to say, to lash out in any attempt to grasp onto something that will make them hurt less.
it's a weird thing us humans do, to try and hurt others when we are hurting. as if we didn't know it sucks to hurt. it's almost like if we can hurt others then magically our pain will fade. i can honestly testify that to be not true. some not so nice things were said between me and another member of my daughters other side of  family in the heat of pain, in the moment of unsureness, in the attempt to protect... but really what we did was just wound each other. really what we did was take it out of Jesus' hands and muck up the waters a little more. 
but still i have faith.
but still i know God is bigger then this.
but still i know that He can calm the muck.

i pray to one day be able to look back at all the pain and suffering that has come hand in hand with co-parenting and not cry. to look back and be able to see just how beautiful Jesus can turn muck. 
to look back and see lives changed and hearts truly turned towards Jesus through this.

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